This is not my ceiling
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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