And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
