she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
