Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
