Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
