he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
