I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
