sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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