The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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