I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
