if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize