We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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