just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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