I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize