My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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