You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
