She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
