dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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