4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Randomize
