dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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