Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
