my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
