I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize