fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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