I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
