I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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