I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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