I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
