i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
