Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
