I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
