when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
