Duck Duck Cougar?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
it was like having sex with a tree stump
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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