i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
