it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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