Swine flu. Run for my life!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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