I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
