i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize