Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
