you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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