You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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