My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
