My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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