I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
