u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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