I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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