I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
