I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
