need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
