If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
