i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She needs sedatives and a leash
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
