Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Drake has all the answers
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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