I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
