Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
