Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
