i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
