i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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