why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
