if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
